Therapy Out Kickboxing In

This last year has brought on many huge changes in my life. Mid-life crisis could be to blame but whatever the case, its all for the better. I'm in the process of divorce. I've been married to Mr Wrong for 23 years and been with him for 25 years. During that 23 years of marriage, I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for 21 years. This is the first time I don't have a baby in my womb or at least one in diapers. (try putting THAT on a resume) Along with the decision to divorce, I have relocated to Jerusalem. There is more work available here, more options for education and community for my children. Being in Jerusalem and living without a car, means I'm walking a lot more. And after 23 years of being pregant, excercise is definetly needed. In my quest to get myself in shape, I thought I'd take on some sort of sport or gym membership. A recent ad on FB for women's only kickboxing classes sounded appealing. I envisioned punching bags hanging from a gym ceiling and me unleashing 25 years of pent up pain. Yes this new therapy sounded delightful! I registered for the class, all week long anticipating a few wild kicks and punches at that bag. To my surprise the studio filled up quickly with more than 20 strong healthy-looking young women. My kind instructor assured me that I was free to go at a level 1 pace. But where were the punching bags? And please tell me I don't have to spar with Miss Rambo over there! The fact that walking two blocks makes me winded was intimidating enough, but to put a 40 yr old woman in a room full of youngins was painful indeed. I began to make mental notes...."next time I'll wear a PADDED sports bra!" Oh yes I do indeed have an once upon a time two pack, but sadly it now covers my once upon a time 6 pack! Gravity takes on new meaning after 7 children! I began to think signing up for a seniors class would have been wiser! I found the room a bit cold so I was thankful when we began warm ups with some stretching. As Miss Fresh Out of College next to me is grunting and reaching for the floor I think, "oh yeah, here is where 23 years of picking up legos is a benefit." ha.... I touch the floor and look over with a sympathetic wink. hell yeah... little confidence creeping in...and I go palms down! The music was motivating and we began bouncing, tapping, kicking, punching into the air, with moves my muscles hadn't known before. Our instructor gave us encouragement and we all kept up in unison like a well oiled machine. "This is fun, I can do this!" After a few more minutes of highly intensive excercise, the adreniline kicks in..."oh yeah, I am WOMAN hear me ROAR!" Then ten minutes more and those 40 year old thoughts crept in..."Oh God don't let my bladdar fail me now" ....10 minutes more and I begin to have flashbacks of transition phase labor..."&^*^%*&$*$@@/!!!!!!!!!" Epidural now please! Reaching deep into my memory files for scenes from motivating movies; Dirty Dancing...naaa....Fame...(you gotta be old to remember that one)...Supersize me? ....naa...."God. HELP. me!" prayer seemed to help a bit. "Blessed Are You Oh Lord my God who created my body to survive this day!" Ten minutes more and I was looking at the clock with desperation.... "ad matie?" How much longer? A devil crept up on one shoulder..." Stop this madness, you have children, you could DIE of a heart attack!" Angel on the other shoulder..."you can do it, you are young, you are healthy, you need to get in shape" pee.... that was peee.... "*&^(^*% "I have just peed on myself. Now let's just hope it blends in with the sweat!" Mental note number two, "wear a diaper next class!" f...*&^(%&$% K! "smile, don't let them know you are near death... omg is that me who stinks? Yep! I'm HOT, ripping my clothes off sounds good about now! I begin to repent for every bowl of ice cream and chocolate chip cookie I've ever eaten" Finally. Its. Over. I survived. I thank my instructor who is full of praise. I kindly smile and tell her "yes I've just burned off every twinkie since kindergarten" I realize that in just one hour of kickboxing, I cured everything my therapist couldn't in one year! Counseling out, kickboxing in. I left feeling most victorious....until the next morning.

Tish B'Av 2012

When we look back over the history of this date the 9th of Av...it all begins with a negative report of Israel. I'm not saying we brought on our own destruction of the temple, just saying that certainly our negative speech affects Hashem to the very core. This year someone challanged us to take a 40 day speech diet and only speak positively of Israel for the 40 days leading up to today the 9th of Av. I took up the challenge but I did't quite stay with the program. Our son's trial had gone well. (see previous blog post) Just days after recieving word that the case was again closed, it was reopened again for a third time. This time the army warned, they would make sure to throw the book at him. Today as I fast I am praying for righteousness to be restored in the land, in the military, in the government, in the phone companies, the ministry of transportation, in the mechanic shops, etc. I prayed today that the "holy" land would indeed again be holy.... be set apart from all other nations. I pray that there would be no need to worry about reports of giants in the land. That report wasn't a false report by the way....it isn't about truth...its about perspective. I pray one day there would be no more giants! Maybe this is how Hashem feels when we transgress against the torah....does He feel like I do now?. Like a bride whose groom has totally let her down? I thought I was in covenant with Israel....and that I'd be blessed in the land. But by this case being opened again, I feel so betrayed. Maybe we have to taste this bitter betrayal......swallow this completely unfair pill....because its what we have coming to us as a nation. Sure Tim isn't guilty....he's as righteous as can be.....one of the top soldiers this army could have ever asked for....but isn't that what we are as Israel? The suffering servant? Innocent sheep going to slaughter. It isn't fair that the Olympics wouldn't state Jerusalem as our capitol, it isn't fair that they wouldn't give one minute of silence for our murdered athletes in Munich... it isn't fair that mothers lose night after night of sleep because their sons are in danger as they try to protect and serve their country, their people, their God. It isn't fair that our enemies are given more rights that the victims! but there is no word for "no fair" in hebrew....and hey, that isn't fair either! So to sum up my thoughts on Tish B'Av...I feel that this time of repetative sorrow and grief is irrepairable. It is who we are, and why we are here and is unavoidable. yes speaking positively of Israel is vital...its a mitzvah that does help justify the bad reports from the past and from my own present. HaShem forgive me for my negative reports of the land and help me to speak positive even when life isn't fair. I believe the temple will be rebuilt with the help of our speaking good reports of the land.

Ten Minute Pity Parties

There have been times since coming to Israel, that I've been ready to pack up and head back to Egypt (America) while missing my leeks and garlic. I call them my ten minute pity parties. I spend a few brief tears whining about all I left behind and all I miss and all I hate about Israel. Usually I vent to God, to my husband, to my friends, or whoever will listen. Then its off my chest and I'm back to waving my Israeli flag and singing patriotic praises! Over time these pity parties have lessened. I've missed much less from America and my "miss list" has gotten smaller. I've adapted quite well despite not being fluent yet in Hebrew. Then just as I thought I'd fully adapted...I got hit with the biggest pity party yet! I was so close to closing the door on Israel all together. Its left me with a most bitter aftertaste in my mouth that won't go away. This ten minute pity party has turned into a ten day pity party. I'm an optimist by nature and don't like the negative funk I've been in and can't seem to shake it off. It started when our son, an IDF soldier was in a hummer accident. Our son is an over-the -top excellent soldier, having been given 5 soldier of excellence awards! He was nominated for a very high honor, before he had this hummer accident. I've watched him put his blood, sweat, and tears into this country. I have watched him suffer and still go the extra miles for his love of Israel and because of his loyalty. He has sacrificed and given with every fiber of his being. Never complaining or taking gimilim, never quitting when he could have walked away. (army Dr gave him the chance to get out completely due to his health problems) He stayed the course and crossed the finish line. Many would agree that "Tzadik" would be a fair description of him! So after the investigation of the hummer accident, it was determinned that our son was without fault and the case was closed. Sadly his award was demoted due to the mark on his record, but he was still given a very high honor for the entire Homefront Command by the commanding general! The army has recognized his accomplishments! Living in Israel has painfully taught me to deal with corrupt beauacracy and inconveniences beyond the normal human capacity for patience! But the army is now reopening the case and charging my son with crimes! It has pushed me beyond my level of tolerance and I have not gotten off the pity party train since the charges were made! My son who has given his all and more, is now being faced with losing his driver's license and living with a horrible mark on his record. The army is not providing him with defense and our legal fees will not be returned even if he wins the case. His trial is only a month away and we can't come up with the $10,000 for a lawyer! He was offered a plea bargin that he first turned down but is now considering! My son is willing to lie and say he was "guilty" even after being proven innocent in the first trial because he's been put between a rock and a hard place. The army needs a "guilty" plea to get money from the insurance to cover the cost of repairs on the hummer. So despite countless awards from the army, now the army repays his service with threats and trials. This is the thanks his country, his military gives him? The stress and unjustice of it all makes me want to pack and never look back! So just as I'm looking at one way flight fares, news from America crosses my screen and it isn't much prettier there. I chose the lesser of all evils and decide to stay here in Israel, but our son talks of leaving and settling back in America. He's so hurt and feels betrayed. He's just given 3 and a half years of his life to a country that thanks him by giving him an unfair mark on his near perfect record. If they take his driver's license, even if they don't...he has to live with this on his record forever. Not to mention the stress it has put him under. I spent no less than 3 hours yesterday making copies of papers and going from one lawyer to another. It has consumed us! He has saved the army far more than the 100,000 NIS in damages to that hummer! He has repaired vehicles, repaired fences, repaired equipment, gotten vehicles unstuck that other drivers got stuck, he has cleaned up bases and planted flowers using his own money to buy flowers! He has donated equipment and supplies, painted with his own paint, etc etc. He's lost sleep and served on days or nights off. He's skipped meals and showers and worked sick and injured. I could go on and on. He signed on more time after his required service because he knew they desperately need combat drivers. And what a horrible shock after all this in three and a half years, to be leaving the army with a trial that cuts to the deepest part of his heart...his driver's license. This isn't just taking his priveledge to drive, it is making it very difficult for him to get a job as a driver, or a job anywhere for that matter. If its God's will for my son to return to America, so be it. But I'd much rather it be with a sweet taste in his mouth of Israel and not a bitter one. I'd much rather him be running to something and not from something. Either way, I'll miss him so very much. I'm not sure when this pity party will end if ever.

Pasach 2012

Its not that I don't have much to write about, its just that I haven't had the urge to write (or the time). Life has taken on a new season for me working full time. I am doing photography (night shifts) and finding little time to express my thoughts in my blog.
Since our Pasach seder was so much fun I thought I should write about it before it becomes a blurr in my fading memory. We were privileged to host our own small seder this year. I say small because had we invited all that we wanted to, it would have been too huge for our home. So we kept it to a very small 11 total! Nehemia, Liat, Miri, Marjorie, and our family minus our two sons and one daughter in law.

Our 12 yr old had found a grasshopper earlier in the day and we thought it would make a nice centerpiece seeing as we'd be mentioning the locusts plauges. Nehemia had always wanted to eat a grasshopper seeing as they are kosher according to Lev 11. We were happy to assist, though none of us wanted to help him eat it, just cook it! ;) you can view the video here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV4YvcZwKJY&list=UUkqhS_k151eQ0EVc_S4QwDQ&index=1&feature=plcp

After the excitement of the grasshopper appetizer, we all sat down and began the seder. But wait...a knock at the door...could it be Elijah? But I'd forgotten to set a plate for him. Yes indeed, the stranger at the door just happened to be named Elijah! He was lost and looking for the synagogue! What timing! We pointed him in the right direction and got quite the laugh out of that.

The weekend included some wonderful conversations, bible study, waaaay too much food, including those indulgent things like matzah smores, and lots of l'chaim! (wine)

I returned to work on Sunday evening to find all my tourists were in Jerusalem and all the Jerusalemites had flocked to the lake (Sea of Galilee). I have spent the last few nights quite amuzed at all their spring break partying. In particular I've been entertained by their mirror gazing. I have a mirror set up on the promenade where I take photos. But if I had a shekel for each time someone used that mirror, I'd be rich! Didn't realize how vain we Israelis can be. Its not the occassional mirror gaze. Its that "I am sexy and I know it" mirror vanity that has been cracking me up. My neighboring vendors and myself have gotten quite a few laughs as they stop and pose. If only I had a hidden camera behind that mirror! or a speaker ..."that color lipstick is not for you!" or "yes, your tatoo is still there, the sunburn didn't hide it" ....or how about..."PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" can't wait to start that candid camera tv show in hebrew!

Last night after toting all my portable studio equiptment upstairs to my storage place, I drug my aching body across town to where I'd parked and fought the spring break traffic for a full 20 min. What normally takes 2 min took 20. While stuck in bumper to bumper, door to door, 4 lanes turned to 6 lanes traffic, I realized part of the hold up wasn't just congestion by volume but by a large scene in Tiberias' heaviest traffic area and busiest bus stop. The scene was the "unattended bag" call at the bus stop. An unattended bag here usually means a bomb. Not sure if this was the case but the robots were called in to detonate. As we slowly inched by, traffic came to a stop. There I sat, my son and myself, within meters of the unattended bag. The only thing in between us was a police van or two. Part of me was too tired to care, part of me wanted traffic to keep moving so I could get as far away as possible. A prayer or two later and we were within safe distance away. I began to think of the stress of the job the bomb sapper might have. Wondered if it would be my daughter's teacher's son who is a "sapper". Wondered how does that woman sleep at night?

Arriving home relieved to find my family all safe and sound, my oldest announces he thinks he'll join the SWAT team. Oh joy. Just when I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief. Then I remember the reason for the season... celebrating that our God is bigger than the Sea and nothing will be in His way of bringing His people home to His land. Remembering the miracles that took place before, and continue now.

Silly me, how vain to look in that mirror and think its all about me. We Israelis can be that way sometimes.

Long Live Israel

We are just days away from our oldest son returning to the IDF. He'll sign on 5 more months. The position is a combat driver on the Gaza border on an emergency crew and doing regular patrols. I suppose after 3 years of mandatory service, it will feel good for him to finally have a paying position. I'm trying to have peace about it, and to a certain degree I do have peace. I remember when we made the decision to move to Israel, someone said that we could die here in Israel. And I thought, 'people die everyday in America too.' So I suppose again I could ease my own mind a bit to think that my son could die doing any other occupation. The fact that he's chosen to defend our country gives me great pride. I pray that no harm comes to him or any of the other soldiers here. And if I weren't a mother, I'd likely join the IDF myself! We are a small country, and our enemies are many. Of course the fact that our country and army are small gives way for God himself to receive the glory for the very existance of Israel. We only exist because God chooses to give us that privilege. As long as He chooses for us to continue, what have we to fear? So, to the Goliath monster nations who are waving their fists and shouting "death to Israel", I say, as a little shepherd boy once did, "I come to you in the name of יהוה the God of Israel" With my son, brave as King David himself, on the borders, I think we can all sleep a little safer. Thankfully he has the same great faith as David, and with that he knows that it is his Mighty Merciful Creator that defends Israel, defends him and his fellow soldiers. Chai Israel Chai!

Israel has aged me!

Today was a historic moment in my life. I found my first two gray hairs. Now to some this might seem trivial...but it hit me hard. I didn't take it so well. Literally the first thought that came to my mind was that having a son in combat did this!

I had a difficult childhood. Some very traumatic events left me spending most of my life trying to forget things. Now that's all behind me and I find my self trying to remember things. I swear my memory has stayed in America. Between losing my memory and finding gray hair, the aches and pains in my body, I really don't feel 39 anymore!

We are on the countdown until our son finishes his mandatory 3 years of service. Today is day 50. Fifty days left til we intend to celebrate his freedom. As I was celebrating in my mind today, and thinking that maybe this will slow down the growth of gray hairs on my head, my son calls to give us the news he is considering signing on longer. I could see the hair turning gray before my eyes as he spoke! With my poker face and encouraging voice, I don't let on that inside I'm screaming 'NOOOOO!'
I tell him to pray about it and think it through....and don't sign anything until someone nuetral has read it. I get off the phone and pray. What can I do? God's will be done in his life despite what I want. What's a few more sleepless nights on my knees anyway? That's just part of motherhood. And so the struggle continues. Even though I feel like someone just rained on my parade...Israel is thirsty and dry....so bring on the rain.

How can I sleep tonight?

Our son that is in the IDF, was given a day at home before all the "activity" was expected with the votes coming in for a PA state. Doesn't matter if the international community voted for or against...we were sure the Palestinians would be acting like...well...Palastinians. Any excuse to throw a rock. And so it is, that even though the world was discussing the fate of Israel today, and votes pouring in in favor of the Palestinians....the Palestinians were shooting Israeli cars, stoning our infants with one in critical condition after the 16 mo old was hit in the head by a rock...and countless other incidents today. Our son returned to base just over 48 hours ago...and he has laid down to rest for less than 3 short hours.

For those of us in the north, it was just another normal day. Kids came home from school and rushed off to play with friends, or do homework, or go to Karate lessons. My husband worked a full 10 hours while I worked 4hours with my 2 yr old in tow. And while we went about our normal activities, my mind kept returning to what my son might be doing. I checked the news periodically. At one point he called breathless to say, "turn on the news" but of course he couldn't tell me what was happening on the phone.

Later in the day as the sun went down, my children sang and played piano, others doing homework and husband reading the news on the internet. As I washed the dinner dishes I wondered how we could go on acting so normal while I knew many were in battle or in danger. I wondered how the residents in Jewish villages in Judea and Samaria could sleep tonight. I wondered how would I sleep tonight knowing my son can't. Sleep is a luxury that those who watch over Israel can't afford.

My son told me how going from one incident to another to another he and his commander were nodding off. The adrenaline was gone and they were beyond exhausted. He managed to catch a nap only to wake up not knowing how long he'd slept, where he was, how he got there, what day it was or if it was morning or evening. Took him an hour to get his bearings. As he was telling me how strange it was to be that exhausted, an emergency call came in "gotta go" click. and so I go back to doing the dishes...while I know my son is rushing off to who knows what.

Almost seems wrong to act so normal...yet this is our new normal, and life goes on and we have to keep living. As they say, praise the Lord now pass the amo. We pray, we defend, and we keep living. I could stay up all night on my knees ...crying into a pillow because I'm worried about my son. Or I can suck it up, muster up my strength, tuck the kids in and... sleep. Someone has to take care of the other children, and I'll be no good to them if I don't. "He Who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps" this applies to the IDF (mothers and loved ones of the IDF) as well as YHVH God Almighty. Think I'll give Him the nightshift tonight.